what NOT to say to a friend in a health crisis

I am the mother of a cancer survivor. Our beautiful 6-year-old was diagnosed with a stage III Wilms Tumor in 2010. Three days later, she had a full nephrectomy to remove the tumor and kidney and, once recovered from the surgery, quickly began radiation and a 25-week chemotherapy regimen.

Today our Clara is doing well. We have follow up visits, and there is a beautiful acronym in her file, NED (No Evidence of Disease). But today, all across the globe, there are people who are not doing well. They are beginning their own health crisis’s.

Maybe you are walking this road alongside a friend or family member - as observers, as companions, and as prayer warriors with hands clasped in prayer. I wonder if I can share with you some a few things I learned during our cancer fight? And before I do, please don’t feel any shame if you’ve accidentally said the wrong thing or stuck your foot in your mouth. I’ve done it even after going through Clara’s crisis! Word vomit happens, people. If you need to apologize, please do. But honestly, your comments were most likely swished in the emotion of the season. Take a deep breath, pray for grace and forgiveness, and keep loving people the best you can.

When our calendar was full of hospital visits, I noticed little business cards at the check-in desk that said "I speak (insert foreign language). Please find me a qualified interpreter." Then they say a bunch of stuff on the back in the native language that I can't read. 

I decided during Clara's chemo that I wanted to make my own little cards. Cancer interpretation cards to hand them to people who were SO sweet and well-meaning but would inadvertently say the wrong thing. I might make cards like this:

Don’t

1. Don’t expect her to answer the question: “What can I do to help?”

One of the hardest things about helping people in crisis is that they are helpless to help you help them. In big and small crises, I have felt as if my brain is overloaded. I became forgetful. Simple things became very difficult. Every thought and action I took was reactionary – there was no ability to plan beyond the moment. We become hyper-focused on urgent, immediate concerns. It works great for a few days. After a few months, however, it gets REALLY old. 

I tell you this because it’s hard to be polite when you’re holding on for dear life. It’s hard to answer the question “what can I do?” because the answer is “you can make cancer disappear.” The sole purpose for your friend’s current battle is for her to battle – everything else becomes secondary. Please don’t be frustrated when your friend or their family member simply can’t answer your questions, can’t return phone calls, can’t find a gracious way to say ‘no thank you.’ It’s not personal. It’s stress.

So mentally put a “handle with care” label on your friends, who are hurting. You may even want to slick your back so that things will roll a little easier. God’s grace will help you serve them as best you can.

2. Don’t try to answer the Big W (why has this happened?)

People love to have answers and to pass their answers along. Pain and suffering naturally make us uncomfortable. Sharing why you think cancer has struck tends to make US feel a little better and eases our cognitive dissonance. However, your friends are left worse than when nothing was said at all.

A close cousin to the “why” question is the theology 101 pat answers. These are no-nos. Your friends are going through their own sacred and holy time with God – Psalm 34:18 says that “the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Let Him be their answers, let Him help with the big questions. Let Him be who He is.

3. Don’t ask tough long-term questions. 

Many of us have questions about how treatments {chemotherapy, radiation, injections, medications} might impact our friend. He/she would love to sit with each of us and walk through how the doctors are helping to alleviate side effects, but truth be told – that would be exhausting. Wait for an explanation on CaringBridge, their blog, etc., and if it doesn’t come, google away.

It’s also difficult when friends make blanket statements that everything will be fine. Sure, things might turn out fine, but that’s not comforting when it’s hard. And honestly, things might not be fine. Expressing confidence that your friend will get through this like a champ puts an added pressure on them – instead of a well-meaning bolster, it subtly implies that if they aren’t fine that somehow he/she is weaker or that they bear the blame. If you don’t know what to say, quietly listening is always the best option. It’s uncomfortable to feel like you don’t have comforting words, but your empathetic ears and willingness to sit in the discomfort of the situation are steadying. I promise.

The hardest long-term questions to address were the ones raised about our daughter’s prognosis. If you are curious about his/her prognosis, ask a mutual friend. Even do a google search. But please don’t ask them.      

4.  Don’t provide medical advice.        

Every now and then a well-intentioned friend would compare Clara’s cancer to their Uncle Fred’s – who lost his foot. That’s just not helpful. Along the same lines were the solutions that had not been FDA approved. One person suggested we pack up Clara and take her to California for an all-natural dietary cure. Again, not helpful. 

What does work is to drop off ideas with a small note. We got Shaklee products, all-natural supplements, different kinds of water, calorie-laden slushies, and many more things dropped at the door. Your friend will be glad to have these and to run them past their oncologist and nutritionist. Anything that might work is great, he/she just needs it packaged up with instructions and no expectations.

Do

1.  Pray

The praying is so incredibly important. It is those prayers that will keep your friend/family afloat while they are all sea-sick from the storm. Do it when you’re walking, when you’re driving, when you’re sitting down to eat. And shoot your friend and their family a text, or write a comment on their Caring Bridge when you’re prompted to pray. It’s hugely comforting to get a note (without expectation of a response) that says “I’m praying for you right now!” or “I was praying for you last night. Love you.” Pray it up, people!!

2.  Start with the immediate needs.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. Divide and conquer. In MN, families quickly divided up leadership into 4 main categories -  food, cleaning, shoveling, and tutoring.

I can imagine your friend/family categories will be different (depending on their climate). Someone will have these divvied up and I’m sure they would love your help.

A suggestion regarding meals: We put a thermos out on our front porch and asked people to please put the meal in the thermos and not ring the doorbell. Our family was pretty raw and it was so hard to talk to people.

3. Listen to the Holy Spirit

The Holy Spirit will provide unique insights into what your friend and their family need. I've found that He usually moves your heart in ways that the Lord has already provided conviction, talent, or supply. 

• I'll never forget the day I opened the mail and found a check that had been anonymously donated through our church. It was for the amount of $500 – and the amount we currently owed in medical bills was $487.

• A music artist who has a mutual friend heard about Clara and asked permission to write a song with Clara. Her ability to make poetry out of sorrow has brought tremendous healing to Clara (and me).

• An electrician heard our bathroom was mid remodel when cancer hit and showed up on a Saturday to finish what we had left half-done.

• Friends who valued marriage offered to watch the kids for a date night once per week.

• Neighbors snow-plowed across the back lawn from their back door to ours.

• A friend rallied a group to do spring yard work in our neglected yard.

• Sweet friends who were praying sent texts and emails of verses or written out prayers for Clara, for me, for my other kids.

I could go on and on. 

You are specifically designed to see a need and step into it. Each of you, who love and care for your friend and their family, have a way that God will show you how to respond. Be patient, pray, and God will reveal it to you. And if nothing comes, Target gift cards are always welcome. 😊

Here's what I want you to know: entering into another persons' suffering is a sacred thing. It is beautiful, lovely, and heart-wrenching. You will see God in ways you never dreamed. 

He wants you there. He has already planned out good works for you to do, ways for you to serve. Be encouraged that God wants to draw us together and towards Him. He will use all suffering for His glory – and to be a part of that transformation from pain to praise is an amazing privilege. 

Grab it!  Don't miss out!

When I’m pained by the deep impacts of cancer, I have to decide to look at the beauty that has sprung from our own cancer rainstorm. Seeds that we didn’t know were planted in our family have started to sprout beautifully. We’ve seen courage, grace, strength, and endurance. We’ve seen support, faith, powerful prayers. 

Jesus is faithful.  He will sow seeds never dreamed of in fields of suffering, and He will see them through to the harvest.