I was standing on a stair looking at him directly in the eye. We had reached the end of our parenting knowledge in a torrential cancer storm, each wanting to guide the children in different directions. We both felt strongly that we were in the right and tensions had built enough that we could not continue to quietly each have different values. It was time to argue. The tone was firm, and I felt a disproportionate urgency. It was as if was my last buoy of companionship was leaving me. But I couldn't let the issue go. 

Our issue at hand: How do you parent a sick kid? How about a sick kid that won't take their medicine? Won't eat? What about parenting a cancer-ridden traumatized six-year-old perpetually nauseous and crabby and behaving in ways that would never be tolerated in any other circumstance? How do you parent the siblings of an ill child? Fairness was never a priority to us but will always be important children. In an environment where unfairness was felt by all, how do you help them understand what can't be understood?  

My heart was grieving for my children. I was in new territory and clinging to my only fellow traveler. But the very thing that was pushing us both out into this barren land was now coming between us. Worse, it was growing roots.   

Retrospectively I see that we never came to an agreement. There was a cease-fire and a give and take. Neither of us gave in philosophy, both of us gave in practice. Whoever had the kids and was the most alert took the lead. We rarely were both awake and rested at the same time so this truce worked for us.

Perhaps that was what the kids needed in the end. For mom and dad to work together in the fashion God had made us. Maybe I had a different wall to build in our family than Brian did. Both were load-bearing walls that protected us from winds that were yet to come. It was a time to compliment, not a time to match.  

But oh, how that hurt inside my heart.  

Sometimes marriage is like that. Uneasy truces and frustrating compromises. It doesn’t seem like any pre-marital counseling can prepare couples for these hurdles. Truth be told, we often don’t know which issues will ignite between us until it’s burning hot at our feet.

I don’t have advice or answers. This is simply acknowledging that marriage can be rocky when you most need it to be easy. If I could, I’d sit next to you while your heart hurts. I’d listen to you tell about times you stood on stairs and stared down your spouse. I would nod as you talked about truces that didn’t satisfy.

What I can offer is the humble hand of fellowship. I received grace in that hard season (and others), so I also offer hope as someone who made it to the other side with marriage intact. I see you and validate that sometimes it’s just hard.

**here’s the exception that must always be stated when talking about marriage – a spouse who uses manipulation through speech, physical force, intimidation, gaslighting, or sex is NOT participating in negotiation/truce/compromise issues. Those are abuse and should be treated as such. Please reach out to a professional counselor. Send me a message and I’ll try to hook you up with one in your area. **